Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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