I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Even my vagina gasped.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
