just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
