I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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