Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
