You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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