Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
