In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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