I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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