I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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