The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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