His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Randomize
