If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
