your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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