I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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