never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
