Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Your dad touched me again.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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