his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
