He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
