I just saw a hot homeless man
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
