I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
