So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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