I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
