yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
