Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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