we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
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