I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
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