don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Someone came in the potted fern
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
