i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
BRING THE BAGELS
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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