I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
