i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
