i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
