stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
