so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
