Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
