If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I just found a bag of teeth...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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