Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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