you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
