I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
