I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
