he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
