Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
