It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
