This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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