Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Randomize
