I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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