Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
