So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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