I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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