wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
